I'm 41 and I became a missionary when I was 15 years old. After about 20 years, I went into IT but still I actively served in the church as a spirit filled dedicated worshipper. I met my husband and we are married for just over a year now. My baby is due in March. We had tests done because of my age, and baby is marked for Down Syndrome, as well as a heart defect that will need surgery out of the womb. My heart is breaking, I feel like I have done EVERYTHING Yhwh has asked me all trough my life, and now I feel like my faith is not enough to trust Him for a miracle. I have tremendous guilt also trusting for a miracle because it feels like I am ungrateful for what God has decided. I struggle to make peace with it all and my guilt for asking Him to pass me by with this massive life task and just give me a normal happy healthy baby and child is too much. Like I don't deserve it, but in my heart I do have a desire for the happy healthy normal baby. The tears don't stop. Anxiety has overtaken my joy and I am completely alone in this new country with new things and a new culture. I'm desperately looking for a church with intercessors and good worship. I'm visiting churches but they are very traditional with no deep worship and I do not feel at home.
We were advised by medical professionals to have an abortion, and researched that option. My heart could not go through with it and I gave that part to God. I asked a local big charismatic church prayer line if somebody could pray with me and the response was that they can not get involved with my kind of prayer request because abortion is legal in this state. They wished me luck and said they can only reach out to me once I have decided not to go through with the abortion, but they can not support me or get involved during any stage of the process. I felt so alone and rejected. I understood their position, but I stood by so many workers, teenagers, and impoverished mom's whom I prayed with through nights and days. Assisting them in life and prayer and similar situations while I was a missionary. Now I need help. I need prayer. I need my joy and faith restored. I need my God. I need to hear His voice again through this deep depressed self pity I have fallen into. I need people of faith around me. I need to reach out but I don't know where. I am looking for a not too big Bible-based, faith-based fellowship and church. I need prayer. My baby needs a miracle and I need the strength and heart and trust and believe for the miracle. I need energy to get back to regular quiet times to wait for God but I seem to fall asleep any chance my mind seem to quiet down. Please help me pray. And believe. And trust. In the only living God. Trough the blood of Jesus.